ABOUT ME

Understanding parents of my friends

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Like the mother of my old friend who refused to let my friend play with me because she thought I was abnormal. I told him stories and we also enacted them. She said that I was living in a fictional world and through pretend plays, I am making her son crazy and moving him away from reality.

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​Another mother of my best friend in a school that I no longer go to changed her section to keep my friend away from me because she didn't want us to talk. I did not understand her logic though but I did feel sad to lose a dear friend. 

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​Once my best friend invited me for a birthday party and I got ready with gifts but when we were on the way to visit her, we found her mom on the way. She told my mother that there was no party and her kid must have joked. She did not let us even visit saying that she was going to take my friend out. That day, after going home I cried a lot and my mom tried to calm me. But just as helpless I felt, she felt it even more so stopped crying after a while. My friend's mom did not care for me but my mom did. 

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​A huge fan of birthdays

 

At birthday parties, I am mostly a silent guy who is ignored but at least I was getting invitations until I shifted to Pune. Now, I am not even invited. I told my mom that I don't like birthday parties so don't force me. While I don't get invited, I don't even get kids coming to my birthday parties. But my mom never stopped trying. She even sent Cadbury chocolates with cards made by me to every kid who I thought was my friend and still just one friend came to my party. I felt worthless and rejected so I asked mom to stop planning parties.

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​After having seen the world of ignorance in parties, I have developed a fear that I am unable to overcome. I am scared of rejection so I don't like birthday parties. I don't even feel confident to wish a kid a happy birthday. And my mom would yell at me and push me to speak but I can't. I don't want to go to any party in which people don't know me. If even one person at a party I don't know, I don't like it. However, the lesser unknown people, the more comfortable I am. One person I don't know at a party will effect me only a little. If everyone at a party is someone I know, then I am happy and joyful. Mostly. 

 

​And this is what happened when we had my birthday party in my summer camp. Mom had brought gifts, games, cakes, and so much for all kids just so I could enjoy the day and I did. If I had a party at my house, people would not come but since the kids were anyways joining the camp, we celebrated it nicely. That day, I was so happy that I didn't keep quite and I actually spoken with everyone I met after that and even played with another kid with the same name as mine, Yajat. He was the son of my aunt's friend. That was unexpected but amazing. 

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​Voice is my way!​

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I now realize one thing, I feel confident when I am happy. I could have noted this earlier but I noticed it when I was playing cricket with my mother in my building. I was so happy that I said hi and bye to everyone passing by as if I never had a fear of talking to people.

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But truth is that I do have this fear and that's because I am not happy all the time. They make me feel unhappy and that drills a hole into my confidence and then no matter how much I am pushed, I can't spit the words out of mouth. I can't talk except for a few times, but I can write. When I wanna talk, I write.

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And that's what I did when I wanted to speak to my principal. She would ask me questions and I would answer them on the board. I thought I was getting heard but then I learnt that my writing on board was treated as a misbehavior and I was sent back home. 

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Most times, writing is my way of expression. I even write letters to my family when they don't listen to me. But sometimes, I speak. I speak without any hesitation to my family but outside, rarely.

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​ I have playmates at school, people who I talk to. Most of my classmates make me happy, but a few take my stuff, making me angry. I have anger issues, and I throw things. Something, my mother says, I got from my father who used to throw plates in front of me when he was angry. I must have been 2 yr old at the time. It was not daily affair but even if done once or twice, it was enough for me to think it was ok. And now, I don't know how to control that urge to throw things.

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I still have playmates, however. Despite the challenges I have been through, I don't have real friends. Not friends who I can simply call, invite at my house or go to meet them, just a few playmates. I am mostly a loner but this is not by choice. Most parents hate me, and I don't have anyone other than my family in my society.

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My Biological Father Loves Me

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My father also hates me. He gave me anger issues but he could never truly give me his love. Why else would he just refuse to talk to me when I called? He has chosen to never message me , call me or meet me, not even on my birthdays. He chose to totally ignore me like I do not exist.

 

I was in shock and I had curled myself on my bed when he had refused to speak with me on the call. And that is when I felt I was completely lost and started believing that just like my father, everyone would ignore me. And that is why I do not talk to people very often. In fact, time and again, people have only confirmed to my fear by rejecting me.

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My wonderful principal

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Whether it is the principal trying to throw me out of the school or a parent trying to take ones kid away from me. In my last school, the principal had told my mother that I should not be allowed to attend the school without a shadow teacher and also refused my entry to the school or the bus. My mom had to fight with the school authority to get me my school seat back. But how long will she fight. She said that she can keep fighting for me whole her life but she also wants me to speak up.

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I can't speak but I can write so I decided to express myself through my words. My mom encouraged me to create a blog and share my feelings, my stories. And I believe this is not just to help me blurt out my feelings but also for the world to understand how I feel and the other kids like me feel when they are discriminated.

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This is my first article. More will come, so I can tell you how a gifted kid feels when discriminated. Discrimination was not supposed to be there in schools but it still exists, and that isn't a good thing. The school I wanted to get in did not even bother to assess my math and English skills but was only interested in finding out my psychological profile. They said it was to better understand me but I know that this could be to find an excuse to not take me in.

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I feel both bad and sad when I am treated different. Is it because I am a genius. It is not me but them who say that. They openly say that your child is gifted, a genius and then they find a way to reject me because genius has a cost to pay, and thus, this name of my blog.